And then it happened
Fiona Keller • August 10, 2020
The confession of a heart-weary mum
Oh friend, I'm glad you came. You probably haven't caught me at my best, right now. I'm sorry. But do come on in. You'll have to step over the mess. Ugh, can I just confess something to you? I've had a really bad day. I'm tired and that really started it. We made it through the morning ok, but after that I just hit a slump….
And then it happened. Then the temper shortened. The snapping. The grumbling. The desire to retreat into myself. The arrival of the nagging, griping, complaining, ungrateful ‘dragon lady.’ The snowball continued to grow as the hours ticked on. As the boredom with routine ramped up, as the hunger for space to myself increased, as the frustration at being needed ALL THE TIME grew…. Then the tirade began.
In one single moment I feel both ashamed and relieved that I blew. No one was around…. This time…. Despite my grumblings, the other members of my household were occupied elsewhere in the house, while I stomped around laying my grievances out to God, interspersed with ranting about all the things I didn't like about my life and universe and not always with the most respectful of language I add. Not because I want to flaunt this point…. Actually I'm quite convicted about it…. Now. But in that moment with anger rising, I definitely wasn't angry without sinning.
I could see full well what was happening as my focus had shifted down onto myself. I could just imagine the enemy of all that is good, rejoicing at the failings of this holy-in-training, unglued mess of a woman. That just made me more irritated. More angry at realising I was giving the enemy everything he wanted. At the same time I continued pouring my woes out to God. It was a bit of a hamster wheel. A combination of my mind, my heart and my mouth, talking to God, weaving between complaints, frustrations and hurts. Spinning with thought after thought and irritation after irritation. Hurt after hurt. Complaining about sprawls of toys and rather energetically flinging them back into the box, declaring, rather boldly, to the enemy that I wasn’t going to let him win…... Oh dear hubby's shoes were in the way - cue another monologue of complaints, and back to 'so God….' and this is how it continued for a good 15 minutes.
My heart told me to find gratitude. My head chose to ignore it. My mummy heart was hurting and someone needed to know about it. I felt I'd dissolved into invisibility and I was lashing out, desperate for acknowledgement. I cried angry tears and hurt tears and tears of disappointment at myself for my toddler sized temper tantrum. And then something surprising happened.
As quickly as the storm had blown in, it started to blow out again. Instead of condemnation I felt conviction. But it was a conviction that came as the arms of my Saviour wrapped around me and told me He sees. He knows. It wasn’t a lecture or a wagging finger. It was love. Parent to child. It's the kind of love that produces conviction and brings genuine repentance. Not necessarily a need to repent for having the feelings, but for having misused them. Yes, the hurt is still there, but He comes and puts His hand on my chin and looks into my eyes and tells me to focus on him. Tells me to place my expectations in Him. It's like a balm for my soul. Reminds me that those around me, can never fully meet my needs. It's not their job. That going to Him and letting Him work in the hearts of those I love will always be more effective than an eruption of unkindness from me.
We take a deep breath. I don't think He really needed it, but I certainly did. 'Come on' He says, we can do this together. 'I know all the things you are feeling and it's ok. I know the hurting is still there and the myriad of reasons still exist. But won't you let me do this with you? Let me give you grace. Let me give you calm. Let me work on resolving some of this. Let me give you the right words, at the right time. Let me shift your expectations. Let me point out the good things. Won't you let me love you? Acknowledge you? Give you value? Because to me…. You were worth everything.'
Father, I thank You for these man-made shells, which become our homes as they fill with noise and laughter, silence and tears, memories and hopes. I thank You for their protection, for the safety found within. I thank You for the life that grows surrounded by these walls; a place we make our own. Amen
When complaints often come easier than thanksgiving - I thank you Father for these dishes, which signify food and drink aplenty. I thank You for each mouth that partook of meals together. Amen
Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance. Jude 1:2 Most gracious and loving Heavenly Father, I thank You for You have sustained me through this school year. I thank You for Your provision of strength and energy even on the hardest of days. I thank You for walking with me on the mountain tops: the moments of joy, the times of bonding and fellowship, the times when the learning and the teaching came easily. I thank You for journeying with me through the valleys. On the days I wanted to give up. During times of frustration and grumblings. On the days when learning was hard and teaching even harder. I thank You that I never left the shadow of Your wings and that You have seen me, valued me and noticed me as I have sought to lead and serve my family in this way. Lord, we are nearing the end of this season and oftentimes feel the increasing need for rest, for reprieve and refueling. Some days Lord, it feels like summer will never come. And yet some days time flies and I become aware again of the limited time I have with these dear ones whom I am not only tasked with teaching, but also with parenting and loving. Father, it is my desire to finish well. That we will not succumb to wishing away the time together, nor give in to half-hearted efforts put forth. Help us to find balance between being present in the here and now and thinking ahead to plans for the summer and next school year May You continue to be the source of my daily strength and joy. Remind me of my calling to teach during this season and equip me each day to face challenges with grace, love, humor and humility. Renew my spirit and uplift me as I seek to lead these children towards You, keeping my mind focused and my heart seeking You above all else. In Jesus' name Amen