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Dear aching mummy heart.....
Fiona Keller • September 2, 2020
Dear aching mummy heart....
Hello there friend, won’t you come in and join me a while? I’ve brought a box of tissues….just in case. Oh my heart is aching, is yours? I feel like, at the moment, there’s just one big thing on my mind and that is what comes next for my kids. I’m guessing that may be weighing on your mind too. I feel like there’s such a gamut of emotion all tangled up here.
Dear aching mummy heart, you are not alone.
It’s something I think that almost every mummy heart feels- that aching deep inside whenever that next ‘big’ change happens with your babies - no matter how big they are getting. That slight pang when they seem to grow up too fast. Sometimes the tug on the heart is mixed with excitement, sometimes fear, sometimes joy, sometimes hope, sometimes sadness, sometimes disappointment and often a lot of disbelief. Do they have a tooth already? Can they be having their first birthday already? Can they walk already? Are they going to preschool already? School already? All day at school already? School change already? Feet that are bigger than mine already? Taller than me already? Driving already?Leaving home already?
Dear aching mummy heart, your children will never be alone.
I think this year is a funny sort of year. It’s been a strange one for the books, that’s for sure. The summer is winding down now and there’s a crispness to the evening air that reminds me autumn is coming. Faster than I may feel ready for. And with that comes the end of summer break and the return to school in some way, shape or form. I can guess that for you my friend, maybe it doesn’t look how you expected it to. I know it doesn’t to me. I always have a feeling of sadness at the end of summer break. I enjoy having my kids home, the freedom from schedules and getting up early. No more lunch boxes and PE clothes to organise. A chance to unwind and relax. This summer was different. It didn’t look the way I thought it would or should. And that’s OK, I guess it’s just left me feeling even less ready than usual. It’s been a season with lots of questions and very few answers. A little like fumbling around in the dark looking for the light switch.
Dear aching mummy heart, you do not walk alone.
For some, maybe this new season is bringing excitement as you’re trying something new this year. Maybe you plan to keep your kids home and this choice fills you with anticipation, hope and some level of overwhelm. Maybe, your kids are staying home, but you didn’t have a choice and you’re trying to make the best out of a situation you didn’t want. Maybe you’re launching your babies back into school in some manner or other and they are nervous and you’re not much better. Truth be told, maybe you're a whole lot worse - you're just trying not to show it. Maybe you’re pleased that you’re going to get a bit of breathing room, but the thought of that suddenly empty house brings tears to your eyes. The noise you are so familiar with will no longer be there. Maybe you’re sending your baby to school for the very first time and that just seems overwhelming on every possible front. Maybe you’ve done this a hundred times before, but this time you feel like you’re back at the start all over again. Everything you 'knew' just changed.
Dear aching mummy heart, this journey is not yours alone.
For all of us, I think we stand on the edge of this new journey and we wonder, we hope, we panic. We remember to breathe. We know the road may not look the way we thought it should. We know the path may not be easy. We know we will doubt ourselves and our choices along the way, wondering if we made the right decisions. We know that there may be some sleepless nights along the way. But we will persevere. We may move forward with regret for wasted time together, with a sense of disappointment in ourselves for missed opportunities, missed memory-making. But we move on, knowing we can change and trusting that we will have more chances. Or we may move forward with confidence and joy and feelings of satisfaction of time well-used. Taking with us a backpack of treasures, memories created, traditions continued or started. But we all move forward, no matter what.
Dear aching mummy heart, it’s going to be OK.
Right now, I think one of the things that makes this mummy heart ache a lot, is the sense of the unknown. It’s hard to have confidence in something we do not know. We don’t know what is coming next. But here it is: we never have done and the truth is, we never will. We don’t know what the future holds. Not for ourselves, not for our children, not for anything. But we do know Who holds the future and in Him, we can have confidence. We can rest in the assurance that there is nothing that will pass Him by. He will not miss anything. He knows every detail of every event from here to eternity and nothing will catch Him by surprise. Nothing will catch Him off guard. He sees our hearts wrestle with letting our children go - whether that’s pursuing school at school, or wrestling through what being the teacher ourselves looks like. He knows how much we struggle, He feels as our hearts sink and our stomachs churn. He sees our small victories and shares in them with us too. Rejoicing at the spring in our step when we meet with our little (or big) parenting successes. He walks with us through the good, the bad and the ugly. And let’s not kid ourselves, sometimes mummy life gets really really ugly.
Dear aching mummy heart, your heart is being held....and so is theirs.
I’m reminded that all I need to do is to release them back to Him. For they are His and He is mine. Oh it sounds so easy to say, but it is so very hard to do. Yet, for all the love I have for them- He loves them more. For all the sacrifices I have made and will make for them- He has made more. For every sadness and disappointment I have felt- He has felt more. He has cared more. For every joyful moment- He has rejoiced more. For every memory made- He has been present, more present than my oft-distracted mind ever can be. Why? Because He is more. He is more than I can ever be. He can do more than I can ever do. He can be in places I can never be in. He can reach into parts of their hearts that I can never enter into. He knows the things I cannot, sees the things I cannot, holds the things I cannot. So in the times when my aching mummy heart feels like it is more than I can bear, I will remind myself of these truths and I will choose to rest in the knowledge that my confidence is in Him and all that He is, knowing that He holds my children in the palms of His nail-pierced hands.
Dear aching mummy heart…….be free.
Father, I thank You for these man-made shells, which become our homes as they fill with noise and laughter, silence and tears, memories and hopes. I thank You for their protection, for the safety found within. I thank You for the life that grows surrounded by these walls; a place we make our own. Amen
When complaints often come easier than thanksgiving - I thank you Father for these dishes, which signify food and drink aplenty. I thank You for each mouth that partook of meals together. Amen
Mercy, peace and love be yours in abundance. Jude 1:2 Most gracious and loving Heavenly Father, I thank You for You have sustained me through this school year. I thank You for Your provision of strength and energy even on the hardest of days. I thank You for walking with me on the mountain tops: the moments of joy, the times of bonding and fellowship, the times when the learning and the teaching came easily. I thank You for journeying with me through the valleys. On the days I wanted to give up. During times of frustration and grumblings. On the days when learning was hard and teaching even harder. I thank You that I never left the shadow of Your wings and that You have seen me, valued me and noticed me as I have sought to lead and serve my family in this way. Lord, we are nearing the end of this season and oftentimes feel the increasing need for rest, for reprieve and refueling. Some days Lord, it feels like summer will never come. And yet some days time flies and I become aware again of the limited time I have with these dear ones whom I am not only tasked with teaching, but also with parenting and loving. Father, it is my desire to finish well. That we will not succumb to wishing away the time together, nor give in to half-hearted efforts put forth. Help us to find balance between being present in the here and now and thinking ahead to plans for the summer and next school year May You continue to be the source of my daily strength and joy. Remind me of my calling to teach during this season and equip me each day to face challenges with grace, love, humor and humility. Renew my spirit and uplift me as I seek to lead these children towards You, keeping my mind focused and my heart seeking You above all else. In Jesus' name Amen